It seems as though even the walls criticize where I have gone.

So a friend convinced me to make a blog. so here it is, man.

I'm turning 22 this year and about to graduate college but I feel like I'm so much behind. I hope that one day, when I look back on this post, I can be happy that the moment's passed.

There once was a time, I think, when I felt proud of myself.

As a child, I always felt one step behind everyone else. I was always the nerdy kid who was constantly picked on because of how I looked and dressed. My best friend Andy and I had to fight off the world together; and in isolation, we formed the best of friendships. Till this day, he remains one of my closest friends. School was an everyday struggle and I constantly felt helpless and hopeless. I did, however, find comfort and security from my parents.

My parents are simple people. They desire little aside from the well-being of their children. My mom brought me here when I was almost three years old. I can't imagine how difficult life was for her as a single mother in a foreign country. She's always felt responsible for my disadvantages and has done her best to give me everything in her ability. She met my stepdad when I was around five years old. They got married and he loved me as his own. He taught me as his own and I am the man I am today because of that. I have never viewed my "stepdad" as anyone else but my true father. I don't think that till this day I have ever formally told even my closest friends that he is my stepdad. That's because I never liked that word and its simply a word to me.

My life in highschool was perfect, as I remember it. Sure there were ups and downs, but I was happy. I had good parents and an amazing little brother. I loved watching him learn to crawl, then walk. It's hard to imagine that he's in the fourth grade now. My grades were perfect, I was involved in school and was well on my way. Most importantly, I had the greatest friends in the world. I felt at home, comfortable, and happy. I was proud of my life and the way I lived. I walked around with my head held high and confidence.

Then it happened. The fighting started and as I entered college it felt like my world began to tumble. It was a tough time for all of our lives and it hurts me too think of it even now. My parents weren't happy together anymore and there was constant fighting and loud noises in my home. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't study. I couldn't eat. Even when the fighting was over, the sound resonated in my head. All I could think of is my brother and how young and innocent he was. I would have to sometimes take him for a ride in my car and fake a smile on my face in hopes to preserve his innocence. I was afraid. I was afraid for my brother but also for myself. I was well aware that my dad wasn't my real father and I was afraid that I'd lose him. Even as a young man past 18, I felt like a boy no older than the age of 5. I hated my parents then for not thinking of me and my little brother. My parents eventually got a divorce in my second or third year of college. I was sad, but by the time the divorce underwent, I was happy that the house was no longer drowned in noise. Soon after, the for sale sign went up in front of the house. When I saw the sign, my heart sunk. My last bastion of familiarity was gone. The house meant alot to me. My parents bought it new in 1997. My dad and I would always visit it every weekend while it was being built to monitor its progress. It was a symbol of our identity and family. Despite this, I kept strong for my brother. I showed little emotion, acting like all this affected me little and it was just another day. Moving out of that house was equally painful. I was walking away from my childhood.

I was devasted. I lost a large part of who I was. Everything I've worked for was because of my parents. When they split up, I was lost, and I really let go. I didn't know really know who I was anymore and I was confused All my previous principles and beliefs seemed trivial. I began questioning the life I lived. In my mind, I realized that my thoughts were irrational. I knew that no one wished this upon me and this is simply life taking its course. My emotions, however, took control. It was a tumultuous time for me, although I seemed normal. My friends were the only people who kept me sane and somewhat functioning.

It's been two years since then. That time and the life I lived before that seemed so far away, a distant memory I vaguely recall. I see my dad sometimes. I wish I can tell him how much I truely miss him, but I was never the type to show my emotions. My mom bought a house not too long ago. I'm really happy for her, to be able to start over. I want to tell her I'm very proud but again, I was never the one to show my emotion. As for me, I'm only beginning to be able to stand back up after all this time.

As I look back on college, I have few fond memories. I met a handful of good friends in college whom I am so grateful for. However, I've had few accomplishments. I wasn't involved in clubs like I was in highschool and did little to serve my community. My grades are far from perfect. My future is unclear. My college carreer was unmeaningful. I walk away with are a couple of degrees, an ounce of hope, and a mountain of regrets, for no one to blame but myself.

I am no longer the proud of the person that I once was. I feel that its taken me too long to get back on my feet. Recently, I've tried to create meaning with the last minutes I have left. I enrolled in a teaching class to tutor elementary kids. I wish I had done this earlier. Today, I went to a CIA recruitment seminar. I wish I had done this all when I was a freshman. Sitting in those seminars make me feel like it is too little too late. It really does sadden me that I am this much behind.

Don't think that all of this is my white flag. It isn't. I am a stronger person now and I will get back up. I have taken the first steps to; this post is proof of that. My principles are still there and there are some things that I will never compromise. I love my family dearly and nothing will ever change that. I am simply behind, but I will get where I am going and I will be proud where I end at. I cannot wait till that day, so stay tuned.